Who is me?

As I sit here writing my first entry, the only question in my head is who is me? Who am I?  The answer I come to is… I don’t know. Have I ever known?… I have been in places in my life where I have felt so much happier and alive than I do now but even in those moments, did I know who I was? Did I feel like myself? Who is me? 

Pre-covid I was this energetic, carefree and “happy” human. Since then I have became a mother, a stay at home mam, part time worker & full time business owner. Do I feel successful at any of these things I just mentioned. Not really. I feel the weight of it all. Weight I just want to pick up and f**k into the bin. Not to mentioned the weight of my midriff area, that could also be shedded, which in a way defiantly contributes to my feelings of being lost and constantly in a battle with my mind….

Am I depressed? Am I sad? I missing something? Do have fomo? Watching so many people living their “best lives”… Do I do enough? If I lose weight everything will be better. The biggest one of all… is my son happy? Am I a good mother? Right now of all the things I mentioned before… he is my one. He’s gotten me through the toughest of times since his little feet could toddle… the love I feel for him is immense. Too much? Am I smothering him? Will he be hardy enough to make his way in life…? 

These things that go through my head are not normal, they are not everyday but when they come they are relentless. Most of the time I know I’m a busy mother juggling all of these different things and bossing it. Is a fear of responsibility, a fear of letting people down, a fear of appearing inadequate… I don’t know. Things I’m sure I will still be pondering this day next year but for now, after writing these few paragraphs I suddenly feel a little lighter. Writing is not something I have EVER done. Ever. So here it goes….. x